The psyche of the modern American
mother
TIn order to determine
how real people feel about American values, one person from each of
the 50 states, chosen at random, will be interviewed for this project
about their respective lives, states and state of the union.
Shannon Allen, a Kansas native, said she had been a liberal before
the birth of her children but became a conservative after embracing
motherhood.
"It's funny how much you change when you have kids," said
Allen, 30, whose children were chatting in the background during our
interview, while watching Chicken Little.
Her parents, she said, disagree so much with her support of President
George W. Bush that she can't even talk about politics with them anymore.
In our family, my husband and I are the token "liberals"
(and we've been called worse)—so I told Allen that I've instituted
a "political moratorium," to avoid having repetitive, fruitless
conversations that will result in nothing more than family discord.
If I'm perceived as a "liberal" because I support intellectual
rigor, open-mindedness and human rights, so be it—but the holiday
table is not the place to try and explain why the definition of that
term no longer matches up with the label any more than "conservative"
does.
I asked Allen what it is she likes about Bush.
"I don't know exactly," she said. "I don't really get
into politics. I just don't like the loose morals in this country.
Both sides irritate me politically. The news is all bad and it can
make you depressed. But I support the war. The things going on in
those countries need to stop. We need to get the terrorists in line
because they can bomb anybody. It seemed so easy on 9/11. Maybe we
need to be in Iran, too. And I definitely support the soldiers.
Some have said that the soldiers are murderers. Are you kidding me?
They're getting the murderers."
Estimates place the number of dead Iraqi civilians at more than 100,000.
More than 2,401 American troops have died. When asked if the lack
of a tie between Iraq and Al Qaeda influences her impression of the
war, Allen said she believes "all those countries support terrorists,"
so even if the tie isn't direct, she believes it exists.
My interest in speaking with Allen was derived from her steadfast
commitment to motherhood, an issue that is seldom far from my mind
as my friends, already through their initial baby boom, have moved
on to their second and even third children.
"I didn't want to put my kids in day care," said Allen,
a Methodist who said religion has become more important to her as
her children mature. "I wanted to raise them. Going to work would
be easier."
What has the women's liberation movement done to the psyche of American
women?
"It has made us want to work," said Allen, who has a four-year
degree in accounting and business and worked for a major company before
having her first child four years ago.
Women's lib, she said, has made women who work feel as if they're
missing out on raising their children, while women who stay at home
feel as if they're missing out on work.
"You want to move up in the workplace," Allen said, "but
most of the female directors are not married or don't spend time with
their families. People in the business world think you're home eating
bon-bons all day after you have kids, but this is the hardest job
in the world. In day care, nobody is going to teach them the difference
between right and wrong."
The most difficult aspect of parenting, Allen said, lies in knowing
how to discipline a child. In day-care situations, where children
vastly outnumber adults assigned to watch them, she fears the assembly-line
approach to keeping kids in line for the sake of easy management.
But doing it yourself, she said, is full of challenges.
"I don't want to be the kind of mom who screams," she said,
"but some days you feel as if that's all you do. And I don't
want to spank them. But I want them to know how to be moral."
Stay-at-home mothers don't receive raises, she said, or other quantifiable
validation. Her husband, Clint, is extremely supportive and empathetic.
After the birth of their first child, he was laid off and Allen had
to continue working for six months while he stayed home with the baby,
an arrangement neither of them wanted. Ultimately, each got to see
how the other half lives, which benefited their family in the long
run.
"Finding a balance is difficult," she said.
Her husband wants them to spend more time together socially, but the
pressure is sometimes too much for Allen, even though they leave their
children with their paternal and maternal grandparents, instead of
babysitters, who can be extremely expensive and not dependable. As
for returning to work in the future, Allen saw a segment on the Oprah
Winfrey Show depicting teen orgies in the hours between 3 to
5 p.m., when children are out of school and parents haven't gotten
home from the office—and it gave her pause.
"I think I need to be here when they get home," she concluded.
And who can blame her? That's the dilemma modern women face, even
though staying home with kids while most men continue working doesn't
feel very modern at all—on the surface.
I often wonder if the commitment of time required to raise children
is what prevents many people from maintaining a focus on society at
large.
Children grow up with the potential to change the dynamic of the world,
and raising them is a critical, and often thankless, job. But if kids
are spending so much time in front of the television, playing video
games and eating junk food while exhausted parents try to cope, what's
the point?
It goes without saying that some people manage to raise fine children
while leading productive lives in the world and increasing their levels
of empathy toward all people, not just those to whom they are genetically
linked. But such people are few. How can children be raised with a
healthy sense of social consciousness when parents barely have time
to think for themselves with all the mundane responsibilities faced
on a daily basis?
Aspects of life that seem subtle are the first to get cut out when
time is at a premium, but those are the same issues—environmentalism,
most notably—that later become so important that nobody can
escape the effect.
Among those parents who feed their kids something other than processed
"chicken" nuggets, how many know that most of the produce
is harvested in countries where carcinogenic chemicals that have long
been banned here are used for farming?
American society is not set up for successful child-rearing, and we're
paying the price.
For links to some of the people, places and things mentioned in
this column, as well as a full archive of all the subjects featured
from each state so far, visit www.ritajking.com and click on Ruminations
on America.
